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09:54pm 10/07/2003
  here i am floating. i wonder these days how things are happening. the big circles in my patterned life. how did i get here. this is my beautiful life. things go up up and it's so neat and perfect there is no down. there is no collapse. everyday the fears and worries shrink.
and i am so far away, yet he is just the same, if not more and more. how did i finally land in the spot, perfect and ideal. i am where i have always dreamed of being. no less than perfect and everyday another surprise or the strengthening of what is.
he loves me more than i would ever have imagined. and i have loved him for three years.
here we are. this is how it was planed before the sun rose.		  
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07:11pm 11/06/2003
  take me in i'm drowning. my stomach growling. i am hurtin i don't ever want to remember him cowering. can't i go back now. please let peace resume, i can't stand in this shifting room. in the middle of chaos i am at a loss, i am leaving again very soon. another trip to the moon, so in one week, i leave the streets and return home. i will miss him, that which is not known. can't i go back now, before sweat pours off my brow, and my body won't stop shakin, i'm praying he's alone. drive those devils away, let him resume his day, leave him be, i'm down the street waiting, but nobody can see me.  
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12:52am 31/05/2003
  how to sing, the dawn coming through soft white curtains. i am a train wreak trying to continue. it's just a different path. the relaxation has come, watching the sun set through a cactus, singing to the dog eating watermelons, and laughing with a child laughing at me. can i bring love? is it possible to leave it in notes and kisses before i wander off at night. i am an owl sitting daily. wondering where tomorrow will come from. i just closed my eyes and was swept up into arms i always dreamed of. i lay there, in amazement and it flows over me like warm bath water. i get up in the morning. i hear the birds wake up at night. who would have seen this backwards walking, talking and dreaming. i just leave fingerprints and redraw the next day. and whispering voices over the phone tell me to stay. i am the petals to a sleeping flower that has been held in glass for the longest time. waiting for the morning dew, waiting for that kiss.  
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four little stars....   
12:48am 27/05/2003
  the things i keep. so much time....and i can't quiet remember. wednesday is the month aniversary. 1 down. and what should i be. up and down i like lights and i am dreaming too big and i just want a quiet place, and time to garden, and hide away in a new world. i want to take him with me. and i just giggle because i cannot for the life of me just name what is it that makes me so happy. but it is just his company. we will have adventures. we will. and we go on forever. comfort is sinking in. happy happy happy. things are going going going forever. i need my pictures. tomorrow. and i don't think i'll be able to go get them. oh. the presents. i want to make him presents. smoooches.
dreams of glittery walls and fun.		  
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12:20am 23/05/2003
  i am walking somewhere unknown. i have left behind all my faded pulsating memories. this is when i shed one last tear for the loves i let go. goodbye i whispered into the still air and i thought i echoed off the nearby nothingness of quick city lights. i wonder if there is anyone who will save me from all this longing. of course it's only in my head. i feel like today i will never escape this place. here i have no real identity and no one really cares. i have lost my feeling when i walk late at night. in the motion of spending money and consuming anything. it's getting to that point. i don't even bother to look in the mirror. nothing is going to change.
so then why do i sit here in the breeze smiling about nothing like a portrait of some good times. nothing is good, friends are no longer there, they transformed, they stay up way to late. but i can't sleep with these images in my head.
i always say i'm dying. but really i just don't want to. and this endless motion of doing the same thing every day makes my morality a reality.
and now i cry and cry tonight, because my whole life looks like an empty parking lot and i only have chalk. nothing is permanent. nothing leaves an impression. can't i just go to sleep for once without missing something.
because i can't see me here.		  
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02:56am 13/05/2003
  the chemicals will bond me together. it will get to be great. won't it? and things are starting to take shape. he walks and returns and comes back and leaves and then waves. he has something one his mind. something to prove to me. tell me he's better. so maybe i won't think ill of him. but you know, i really don't give a flying fuck. i love him. but he is who he is and i can't have a part of that anymore. no more self-destruction by influence of the world. things are being made. i am a lomographer now. i am special. and i am actually enjoying being awake.  
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12:41am 12/05/2003
  yes. i finished the cup of mini oreo's. something senseless. but i am a simple girl who knows what she likes, and as much as i tried to get away. i let him in. someone who knows what i like. smokes and food.
good god. could things be great again.		  
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11:19pm 08/05/2003
  and i am proud of no one. all i know have failed me. i have failed me. everything i ever dreamed is gone now.
in his face, his eyes were shaking and i had to look away. i was already broken. i couldn't bare to watch someone else fall from me. this time i had to do it. again. i can't go on pretending anything. nothings bad, nothings good. i breathe. and thats all i can say for those i cared for most. once, we had high hopes and plans and dreams. and even i, in indestructible, has been wiped out.
it's a new world to me. it's a different time. when all the safe zones for your soul are filled it false feeling. drugs. everyone is unreachable.
i can't even reach myself.
i can't understand why we have lost touch. what happened. were we scared by the endlessness of life. i feel the fragments of memories, the good ones following my eyes. i ask now, when will it be better. when we're old and sick and nearer to death, our one comfort left. save us from this.
save me. i gave up. i couldn't be his personal saviour, or his, or his, or hers, or hers. or mine.
and i pray for rapture. i pray for my mind to ease and cease to hurt. where is the loving arms in which to relax. did i just say good bye for a good enough reason? did i just tear down someone else in my path of destruction.
everyone means nothing, including me.
and there is finally nothing i can do about it.		  
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06:08pm 06/05/2003
  today i was a collapsed balloon. watching the sun fade right now. i have been going crazy. wishing it was the age of free love and flowers....and right now i stood up, releasing, my fear was holding me tightly, and maybe it's not all i dreamed of but i can't remember what i dream now..i just looked into some eyes that brought me nothing but pain. they were beautiful. and that's what was distinct. beauty. pain. no pain here. but he is layered like a flower.  
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06:52pm 05/05/2003
  i crossed my arms in front of my face, and laid my head on the table. i wish i could just always sing, about everything. and right now, this love that is knocking at my door, it doesn't mean a thing, does it? i can't believe where i am. i don't understand what is going on in my own head, and all i pay attention to is the signs that tell me to run.
perplexed. thats a good view, as i stand heartless. how can this be? this is what i wanted, this is what i need. or else it wouldn't be so. i need this break, this dream. and yet, i look back and feel like a different person and question everything. i won't accept him. i won't let myself like him. i am doomed.
i remain thinking of everything that was, and how i am now, i do not know. i have no idea who this person is, looking back at me in mirrors. i am filling with distaste for my own reflection.
and if you think you've ever hit the bottom, you haven't. the bottom is when you can't even think of what might make it better. when you can't imagine better. bad is all i know. but i've been told to look up, there is a man taking my hand, wanting to provide a relaxing atmosphere. and i am wondering who he see's? what does he want from me, i ask. and am i supposed to like him now. there had to be something about him that i like. why else would i be spending so much time with him, why would i wait for him to arrive. because there is nothing else. like a prisoner, he does not get to decide what he does, just lets the events come to him, like visitors.
i expect to die any day now. but i pray that something inspires love in me, something. please, because i don't want to hurt him.
i am rotten. and still drinking my soul away.		  
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03:19pm 20/04/2003
  "you are someone else, i am still right here."
it's getting colder and then i burn. and all the people i know, are fading faster than i dreamed. i might as well disappear again, this time, for good.
but coming back here, was like being captured. and i am a prisoner of my lack of strength.
i have managed to stay away for the most part. and it builds inside of me. i hurt so much there is no end to the tunnel. one hope leaves me with nothing to start. i flood myself with all the words i kept so long ago, trying to make sense of it all, trying to let it all go.
but nobody knows.		  
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11:52am 11/04/2003
  this is the way it is going to go. i have little things to keep myself busy. and my mom has landed. yes i drink. i am to expect a serious talk now, just so i am aware of the effects of alcohol. maybe she needs a lecture, on the effects of minding her own business. it's nice she cares.
i however want nothing other than to escape already. i dream of my own place again. and i am kicking myself in the ass over and over.
i have a few little jobs, but nothing to pull in $475 a month. and i hate the idea of actually working full time at anything. i've grown accustom to my freedoms.
so maybe if i stay here, and sort out my space, and move in feet first, things will settle down. and i can relax.
i have a feeling it'll be a while.
but i'm still breathing.		  
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11:52am 04/04/2003
  behind the sun is where i wish to crawl. coming home i am on my feet. this is a world all of my own and still it rains only around my head. but i felt my heart stop beating driving down a familiar street; knocking on a door i once had. and the rumors and the looks, and the only thing i like is all the hugs.
if anything, disappear and come home just so people will have a reason to hug you.		  
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01:54pm 28/03/2003
  they say, this is the way it could go.
for maybe the first time, i feel blind and then someone see's what i see, what no one else ever understands about me.
and i can rest in peace.
but i have to stand up and keep walking, nothing is over. it only gets harder, and more disappointing, the things i have to do to get where i want to go.
people destroy themselves, for what? looking for a saviour. why am i the strong one they lean on? i never felt as strong as they are making me out to be, but compared to them, i feel like god.
so, on my way home, i'll put on my armor. and draw my sword and fall into the pit of despair. i won't save anyone. but i will try and kill their illusions. i have such wishful thinking.		  
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09:33pm 21/03/2003
  THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS
ANGER
1. Who did you last get angry with? my roommates
2. What is your weapon of choice? a knife
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? of course
4. How about of the same sex? yup
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? hmmm, a taxi driver
6. What is your pet peeve? druggies and lack of money
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? depends
SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? eat haha
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? 3pm
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't? jon
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? "but i didn't hear you!"
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through? nope
6. When was the last time you got a good workout? today
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? Today? None i don't have one. Yesterday? none i still don't have one

GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? a mocha at starbucks
2. Meat eaters: white meat or red meat? red
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? 10 shots of tequila, shot of gin, champagne, and beer
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? No.
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? nope
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? ? sugar!!
7. Have you ever looked at a small housepet or child and thought "Food!"? hmm jokingly.
LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? 15+
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? 15+
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? sure
4. Have you "done it"? yeh
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? lips and dick
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?no
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? no
GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own? none
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? cigarettes
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? disappear
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? Rich.
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? no
6. Have you ever stolen anything?duct tape
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? ? hundreds.
PRIDE
1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of?survived
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? following my dreams
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? nirvana
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? i don't compete
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? no not really
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? scrabble
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? joined the protest for peace and gave money to needy individuals that made me smile.
ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? i'd like to own a few people
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? my mom
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? me
4. Have you ever been cheated on? yes. of course
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? yes a penis
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? mystery
7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? no
8. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? lust
THE SEVEN HEAVENLY VIRTUES
FAITH
1. What religion do you follow? all
2. What religion were you raised as? pagan
3. Do you believe that forgiveness is a religious property, or a human property? Human
4. Do you believe in magic? yes
5. What was the last promise you broke? engagement
6. Have you ever said the words to a prayer and not meant it? no
7. Do you believe that anyone could be perfect? no
HOPE
1. Did you get everything you wanted over the last holiday season? nope
2. Regarding your future, what is the best thing you could hope for? to live
3. Do you let yourself get your hopes up for something even if you know that there is a large chance of failure? yes
5. Have you ever bought a lottery ticket? no
6. Do you gamble? sometimes
7. Have you ever had something called off on account of bad weather, but then gone ahead and done it anyway? yeh
CHARITY
1. What causes do you support? freedom, pro-choice, gender issues, peace
2. What causes have you given money or time to? co-op art and salvationarmy
3. Have you ever worked in a soup kitchen or done another kind of outreach for the homeless? yes
4. Would you ever consider joining the Peace Corps, Amnesty International, or another travel? nope
5. Do you give money to the homeless on the street? sometimes
6. Have you ever helped out a friend with basic needs, like rent or food? yeh
7. What's the greatest extent you've gone to help a friend in need? given most of my money or time
FORTITUDE
1. What are you most afraid of? being alone
2. What did you do today that was really brave? got on a bus headed for who knows where
3. Who is your favorite superhero, and why? batman, because i am batwoman
4. Would you put your life in danger to rescue someone? yes
5. If you were to face the Wizard, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart? more brains
6. Have you ever gotten stage fright? yes
7. Do you consider yourself to be a leader or a follower? leader
JUSTICE
1. Have you ever been summoned for jury duty? no
2. If they reinstituted the draft (for both genders), would you go, or would find some way out of it? i'd move out of the country
3. Do you support capital punishment (the death penalty)? depends
4. Which should be guaranteed legal? i don't know
5. Do you believe that Dubya is rightfully President of the USA?nope
6. What was your favorite media circus trial? don't watch tv
7. Have you ever written a letter to a politician? no
TEMPERANCE
1. What do you have the hardest time moderating yourself on? smoking
2. Do you collect anything? notes, letters, random things, fortunes
3. Are you addicted to anything? not unless i want to be
4. Have you ever put anything on layaway or used an installment plan? no
5. What's your preferred method of paying for things? Cash
6. Tell us one thing you wish you hadn't let yourself do? loan so much money
7. Do you feel that you obsess over things? yeh
PRUDENCE
1. Who is the wisest person you know? most people i meet
2. Have you ever participated in a vigil? yes
3. Do you take advice when it's given? yes
4. What area are you wisest in? self-esteem
5. Do you drive defensively? yeh
6. Have you ever had unprotected sex outside of marriage? yeh
7. What did you learn today? that i was sexy as sin in a hat
8. And of course, what is your favorite heavenly virtue? faith.		  
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rasta me forever   
05:17pm 21/03/2003
  how many minutes did i spend on that corner just sitting there, soaking it all in. guys passing by telling me i'm beautiful or "hey lady..." or exchanging the peace sign. i wanted to take up a sign and march. maybe i'll think of a good slogan tonight and go tomorrow. sam will be here tomorrow...whooo HOOOOO!!!!! and i can't wait for that floor of her door room because i can sleep in alllllll i want and stay up with the god damn lights on for as long as we want!
hah. the simplicites are largely forgotten. i need more money, i want books and lovely buddhist silk wraps.
i'm thinking about shaving my head and submiting to the path of knowledge. it's going to be very cold. heh.
and and and. i'm full of beautiful imagery right now. and m. is off with heather for the weekend sam, so there will not be any m.
(p.s. i have to leave his name out because who knows who readys this)
see you tomorrow
love
the pseudo protester		  
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the leader of militant group   
10:20am 21/03/2003
  now i have landed in the city i should have never left. and i have to wait hours for stimulating conversation, but it is the best.
last night over the castro, up in noe valley, we sat on the sidewalk drinking a beer, watching the entire city up in lights like we it's protectors. but really we are it's muses. we just sat there smokin, and unraveled the mysteries of our lives.
no more of that. it's a little too scary.
so i rode the bus and walked a few blocks and remembered this day where i saw so much beauty it untied my tongue and i could actually express correctly what i was thinking.
for once i feel free. i saw those blue eyes i hadn't seen in almost two years. and i dove into them. but they were different this time, he was more leaning in, more interested. maybe it's because i am farther along in life also. but i just wanted him to be spontaneous and ask me over for a drink or something crazy.
maybe next time. because as m. and i decided, we cannot let things pass, if we see someone, we gotta tell them. in that there lies another key to freedom.
freedom, and no bombs. i was in many rallies yesterday. and met many people, and saw many more beautiful people than i could have imagined.

our hearts are easily walked on, they are underdeveloped muscles.
we are large masses of underdeveloped muscle. s		  
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these are me lucky charms   
11:41pm 17/03/2003
  i am soooooo very hungry. but it can wait. my entire body feels like a bruise. i did over 30 sit ups and push ups with a small 20 somthing pound child on me, then stayed up all night, watched the sun rise had coffee and cigarettes then sat in the back of a car all dressed up taunting inmates at the courthouse. fucking fantasticly boring day.
had a weird dream, javier bought me a gorrila that was trained on my smell so it would break down doors and walls to be with me at all times.
another note.
i had a streak of kindness, since i am practicing very hard at the radiation of "loving-kindness". i wrote a piece about M. in response to a Muslim awareness piece:
i just recently have taken a time out period with my Pseudo-Fiance, who is a recently reconverted Muslim. He is of german, irish, and indian decent, but chose to become a Muslim because their beliefs as he put it, "Called him to be the best man he could be." Anyway, living with him for a few months, i got very accustom to his periods of difficulty with social opinions but all in all, he tried his best to present a good role model of the faith, and became a very humble and considerate individual.
i had the pleasure of meeting some of the brothers, and i cannot explain in words how incredibly unreal they are. True Muslims have a dedication to others that is unimaginable to the ordinary person. Anyone from his mosque would have died for my fiance even after only meeting him and praying with him a few times.
Unfortunately, my fiance is battling a drug addiction, and that being the reason i have taken a break, i do not know where he stands with his faith today. but in our time together, Islam really changed his life and views. He became a stand-up and honorable, respectable human being with hope and gratitude for life.
I wanted to share a passage, which i believe is from the Qu'ran.
"Who creatheth, then desposeth, who measureth, then guideth."


yeh. it's true. i did love him. and maybe i still do. he was on the right track, but as they say,
"you never know what you got till it's gone."

there is always hope however. sometimes i just need to remember that.
happy green beer day. i'm not drinking.		  
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can i see your ID?   
11:11pm 14/03/2003
  more craziness...last night.

these two got into a fight. which ended up with me going to get D from a bar in this horrible storm we're having with HAIL. and paying for gas with all the change we have...$2.90 and then her dragging me into the bar, to meet a guy, and i get kicked out of the bar. then her getting kicked out of the bar. then me following her back to middletown (did i mention the bar she went to was 30mins away?) and that drive was horrid because it was raining so hard you couldn't see and she was drunk and weaving all over the road. then she made me follow her to another bar in middletown where she dragged me in there, then i get kicked out again, then some 40yr old latin guy sweet talking me and sticking his tongue in my mouth and wanting to take his new "baby" home and pamper her (me). then i got her to leave and we went to this guys house she knew and she went off on me and called matt and went off on him and he drank everything in the house and took pills and she cussed me out and left for home leaving me at fredricks where i stayed until she called for me to come save her because he was becoming violent. he punched the oak walls and shattered his hand. and then when i got there he left or it was more like it took two of us to kick him out and he was in the hospital today and then she went and picked him up and now he's here and everything is back to normal

fucking bullshit is what this is.		  
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02:19am 13/03/2003
  what's happening to me? i can't decide. take the road or hide. which one who is going to be he and me or he and he.
what the hell is going on i asked for this i knew it was wrong.
nothing lasts very long anymore.
here today
gone tomorrow
i'm becoming quiet the traveler.		  
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